VANTAGES OF LAZINESS

Narrative of a sluggard


I had a long serious conversation with a lazy man today. True story! I summoned courage gathered strength, and got off my bed. I managed to make it to the couch; there was no stopping me now. I took a tour around the couch, relishing in its cool warmth, before making it to the dressing table. Enjoy the story! Don’t ask me why I have a dressing table. There are worse things than being a finical narcissist. Looking right into the mirror, my conversation with this very wise but lazy man began.

You see, the history of laziness goes back a few centuries; nay millennia. It is said that there was a time of hardship. This hardship created strong hardworking men who in turn created peace and repose. This peace went on to create lazy men who in turn created hardship. It is believed that this coarse cycle continues till this day. This is the story you know. This story is false. Answer me this; which lazy man would want to create hardship, the very thing he doesn’t thrive in? In truth, this story was fabricated by the potentates to keep people strong in order to fight their wars. Hardworking men love hard times because it enables them prey on the weakness of the feeble majority. Lazy men love peace because they don’t have the strength to fight wars. This is the truth! The reality of this world! Wise sages have kept mute, because they would rather sip rosé, or get inebriated on special vegetables while playing Call of Duty Black Ops on the latest  Play Station, than go to war over fiat notes and shining rocks. You see, in the end, all is vanity.

So far as this tiny blue world is concerned, money is everything. Thus the words of rich men mean everything to everybody. No matter, wealth is on our side; “I would always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job, because he will find an easy way to do it” – BILL GATES. There, you have it! Even the no 1 pillar of success on Earth and Mars is a proponent of laziness. How ironical is that! For those who think hard work is everything: good luck getting into Microsoft. A lot of great inventions out there, where inspired by lazy thoughts. Lech Walesa opined “I’m Lazy. But it’s the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn’t like carrying things”. We didn’t like doing it, so we made machines to do it. We used birds; because we didn’t like going long distances, just to deliver messages. The birds went rogue, like we did God, so we made telephones. Let’s pray God doesn’t make something else in our stead. We made elevators; we got tired of using the stairs. Rats infested our homes and our courageous cousins caught them one by one, to the admiration of all. We were too lazy to get our hands dirty so we thought of another way to catch them. Gbam! Just like that! Rat traps! You’re welcome! It became a drag to sought out traitors who refused to follow back on social media, so the unfollow app was devised. Tell me how many souls have been saved by hearing the word through speakers that we made? Even God is proud. It goes without saying, the list is endless.

“Shut up you disrespectful boy!” My father scolded me. How was I supposed to know that my primary 3 integrated science teacher was unaware of the fact that the skin is not the only organ in the body that regenerates? What happened to the liver? He reported me to my parents for undermining him and in turn, they scolded me. They were in the medical field, they knew I was right, but they scolded me still. You see; parents scold not only to correct but also to prevent contempt. It is for this reason that our predecessors could not tell us point blank; “Be Lazy!” They however hid this expression in witty proverbs illustrating patience or some other virtue. But the enlightened understand. “The patient dog eats the fattest bone”. What dog does that! “The second mouse gets the cheese”. There weren’t even mouse traps when that saying was enunciated! But the enlightened understand. These were just our ancestors ways of saying; “It’s okay to be lazy!” No worries masters. I understand.

I may disagree, but it is said that laziness is the mother of all bad habits. Ultimately, she is a mother and she deserves respect. “He who is lazy; he will not eat”. Bullshit! The evil Senator sits in assembly doing nothing while the labourer toils under the scorching sun. Tell me; who among these will have problem eating tonight? Lazy persons are clever and many clever people are lazy. Ask the professional businessmen for the meaning of the pareto principle. It’s a drag to explain, but it supports my idea. You know; Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord, the German chief of army before World War II, once opined that the most dangerous officer was the one who was stupid and diligent. In turn the lazy but clever ones are most favoured for leadership positions, because of intellect and composure.

Are we lazy? Or are we just good? My great grand dad was extremely successful only because he was too lazy to be lazy. Laziness is not so bad! I would love to end this narrative with lovely summary and wonderful quotes, but am too lazy to conclude. Conclude yourself; could you? Thanks. Its only 11am I’m going back to bed.
ISIBOR KELVIN NNAMDI

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